last year this kid had some water damage on this math textbook and when he turned it in at the end of the year the teacher asked him how it had gotten it wet and he looked her straight in the eye and said “from my tears”
This morning my daughter, who is nearly four, saw the stretch marks on my hips and stomach. She ran her hands over them and asked what they were.
“I got them when I grew up,” I said, “and a few more when I had you.” I grinned down at her. “They’re my stripes. You’ll get stripes too when you grow up.”
She was overjoyed. “Really?”
I think she’s in her room now, pretending to be a tiger.
This is what we need to teach.
theres a giant burning orb in the sky and it can burn your flesh, it can give you diseases, it can kill you, looking directly at it causes physical pain, and we all think this is okay. we like this orb. we like to go outside and lie around on our backs when this orb is in the sky. children draw cute pictures of this levitating death orb with a smiley face on it. what is wrong with us
i had a dream where tornadoes were made illegal or something i just remember like a dozen police cars driving directly toward a tornado with their sirens on and all getting sucked into the tornado
I really want a science fiction story where aliens come to invade earth and effortlessly wipe out humanity, only to be fought off by the wildlife.
They were expecting military resistance. They weren’t counting on bears.
trees like these are the best to sit under and read books or draw or just relax and be alone
or you can climb it and sit up in the foliage waiting for unsuspecting pedestrians to walk by so you can swing down on one of the roots with a Tarzan scream and kick them in the face before running from the traffic cops
Never forget that you are the protagonist of your own story
and the antagonist of someone else’s!
And a possible love interest in some other peoples! 0u0
This might just be the single most inspiration thing I have ever seen on the internet.
You are also a supporting character to a lots of people’s stories. You might even be the kind stranger who unintentionally turns someone’s life around for the better.
everyone has that one bra that makes everything okay
even the boys?
We have that one brah that makes everything okay
Why do people act like being a vampire is so fucking great. You can’t eat garlic bread so what’s the point
Do you ever just like flex your foot wrong and it cramps and you’re just like this is it, this is how it ends
what if the voice inside your head is your soulmate’s
then my soul mate’s a fucking asshole
I think my soul mate is a serial killer
the coolest thing ever is when you drink a lot of water during the day and then your pee comes out clear and you feel so proud of yourself you’re like hell yeah this kidneys be hella clean son
what if it breaks
THEN YOU DIE
It leads to Hell
SATAN IS WAITING
ＳＡＴＡＮ ＩＳ ＷＡＩＴＩＮＧ
I’m very strong, I could fight off maybe 20 snails, 21 on a good day
Gumball just blew a dude in a bathroom